Although narcissism has become a common term in the last few years and it’s well known among the general public, narcissistic personality traits and Narcissistic Personality Disorder can have extremely negative effects on a marriage and divorce.
A personality disorder affects how someone views other people, how they approach conflict, and how they exert control. In a divorce, those traits often show up as an inability to compromise, an insistence on being right, a reluctance to take responsibility for one’s behavior, using the courts as a tool for revenge.
I’ve lectured and written about narcissism, including speaking at the Lake County Bar Association Family Law Committee, and I’ve worked with people on both sides of the narcissist issue during my more than 30 years practicing law.
Divorcing a narcissistic partner is much different from divorcing someone without that personality disorder.
Here’s what to know.
Mental health professionals have coined the term “narcissistic abuse syndrome” as a description of chronic anxiety, self-doubt, and stress that’s a direct result of the continued exposure to the manipulative or controlling behaviors of a narcissistic partner or spouse. If you’re struggling, get professional help so that you can be mentally strong throughout the divorce.
Setting boundaries, communicating respectfully, documenting conversations, etc., are helpful to you emotionally and to your legal team so they can best represent you in court.
Avoid fights.
It can be difficult when a narcissist knows how to push your buttons, though it will serve you well in the long term.
Don’t argue. Document.
Treat every interaction like it may be read by a judge, lawyer, or mediator later. Keep communication short, factual, and boring. Save texts, emails, financial records, calendars, and screenshots.
Don’t announce. Assemble.
Don’t lead with a dramatic confrontation. First, quietly get the right support in place: a strong divorce lawyer, a therapist or coach, and, if needed, a safety plan. The National Domestic Violence Hotline notes that leaving can be a dangerous period in abusive relationships and offers legal-resource and safety support, including help with digital abuse.
Stop trying to win the emotional war. Win the legal and practical one.
High-conflict people often want attention, chaos, and reaction. Your goal is not to make them finally “get it.” Your goal is to protect your money, kids, time, sanity, and evidence trail. In co-parenting situations, structured communication systems, boundaries, and third-party processes can help reduce conflict.
Every divorce has its facts. But when the other person has narcissistic traits, being prepared and knowing what to expect is that much more important so that you can document and share an accurate narrative to the courts.
An attorney familiar with such patterns can help manage expectations, avoid unnecessary conflict, and present a credible case to the court.
Questions about how best to divorce a narcissist?
