In 2017, we penned our first article, “Divorcing a Narcissist,” (https://www.beermannlaw.com/divorce-and-family-law-attorneys-james-m-quigley-and-jordan-d-rosenberg-featured-in-forest-and-bluff-magazine) where we sought to bring awareness to the concept of narcissism in relationships/marriages, identify its characteristics as well as the impact it has on the divorce process.
The feedback received was both eye-opening and alarming. We had underestimated the prevalence and pervasiveness of narcissism in marriages and its impact on individuals going through a divorce. Today, as a standard case protocol, we find ourselves marking identifiers and routinely incorporate mechanisms for our clients to manage a narcissistic spouse as a part of the overall strategy for their cases.
We have continued to observe that most people are ill-equipped to deal with their narcissistic partner – either in their relationship or during/post-divorce. The result leads to feelings of increased anxiety, gaslighting, and/or the inability to think clearly throughout the proceedings. We often hear from our clients, “I didn’t realize what was going on until I was out of the relationship.”
To best contest these feelings and think more clearly through a divorce, surround yourself with a team of professionals to help you. Educate yourself on the subject and change your expectations in terms of your actions and your spouse’s reactions. We continue to remind our clients: making change isn’t comfortable, but comfort won’t come until changes are made.
Interestingly, we have noticed that, in many ways, the court system and the dispute resolution process is also ill-equipped to deal with the impact of narcissism in divorce proceedings. We make this observation based on two competing forces: 1) most relationships involving a narcissist show very polarizing personalities; very aggressive vs. very passive and 2) often litigants, lawyers, and even judges, are all working toward getting “cases” through the system as quickly and efficiently as possible.
The result of this dichotomy is that agreements are sometimes reached in an effort to pacify or yield to the difficult/narcissistic partner (or parent) and give them what they want – sometimes at the expense of the other spouse or that of their children. We sometimes hear from our clients, “I just want it to end,” or “I’m too tired, it will be better after the settlement.”
We have observed quite the opposite. As we wrote in our second article, “Divorcing a Narcissist – The Recovery Process,” (https://www.beermannlaw.com/divorcing-a-narcissist-the-recovery-process-authored-by-divorce-and-family-law-attorneys-james-m-quigley-and-jordan-d-rosenberg/), sometimes giving in to the narcissist actually makes it worse post-divorce and keeps the door open for extended interaction or conflict moving forward. Typically, a narcissist is incapable of making any meaningful compromise because in his/her mind, the whole divorce and all the problems associated with the family and relationship, are the fault of the other person.
“[Narcissists] tend to blame others for any relationship problems and attempt to avoid looking at their own contribution.” The Intractable Client, Rhonda Feinberg, July 1997. They assume that others will accept their point of view and will not hesitate to use gross or subtle coercion to achieve their goals. Id.”
A classic example of this concession and its negative ramifications is with a Parenting Agreement. To remove the children from the depth of the case as well as to advance the divorce process without the contest of trial, we often see the spouse of a narcissist agree to a basic shared parenting arrangement: 50/50 time and joint-decision making for major decisions.
While this may seem like a positive in the moment, it’s not often “equal” or “joint.” While the narcissistic partner may say and do the right things post-divorce under the spotlight of litigation, it’s a completely different story behind the scenes – like “Jekyll and Hyde.” We have found that the narcissist will minimize or dismiss the other’s suggestions and thoughts as to what is best for the children and, on top of that, won’t follow the terms of the Agreement. This only creates more conflict and puts their spouse (or former spouse) in the aforementioned mindset of not wanting to deal with the situation or declining the opportunity to go back to court.
At Beermann, we believe it is essential to identify a wide range of factors that might influence the outcome of a case and develop an individualized divorce legal strategy for the unique and specialized needs of each client and their family. This may include an understanding of mental health needs, child-related concerns, and financial issues at hand. We understand that divorce is the last option and will do what it takes to support you on your journey. We are here to help you understand all of the options available and guide you toward the resources and resolutions you desire.
You can do this.
